i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
