Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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