Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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