the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
