omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
