i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
