New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
