i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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