I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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