apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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