Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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