if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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