I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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