I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
