My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
