btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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