I got chris browned last night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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