Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
