neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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