I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
