remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize