So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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