So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I wear drunk well.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
