mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
