Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
