When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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