i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
