I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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