It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
