it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
