remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
