Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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