Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
