I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
