PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
