I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize