im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize