i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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