Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
