I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
