ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize