you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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