i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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