i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
