Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
