Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
