I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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