I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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