hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
