I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
MIDGETS
????
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
