I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
