you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
