My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize