Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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