My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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