Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
