you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
