My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
