Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
