you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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