This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He is an equal opportunity slut.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
