You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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