My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
