im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
